Sunday, March 6, 2011

Tournament of School Bullies Matches 5 & 6 (Category - Is This Real Life?)

Ian and Max Tag Team (Weird Science) 


                Johnny Lawrence/Chaz Osbourne/Greg Tolan (Karate Kid, Back To School, Just One Of the Guys)

  • Strategic Advantage
    • Ian and Max - They are surprisingly clever for their age, but seem to get in over their heads at a certain point. Are very good at sneaking up behind people, which is always a good strategic trait, and also aiming slushies from multiple floors above their intended target. Seem to be pretty intelligent overall, but have become lazy over the years from how successful they've been. 
    • Johnny and Chaz and Greg - Prefers the age-old tactic of hit first, ask questions later. It's a pretty good strategy until someone has the balls to fight back, then he gets his ass hwomped. He doesn't seem like the brightest tool in the shed, but then again, we're talking high school here.
Advantage - Ian and Max

  • Finishing Move
    • Ian and Max - The Glare (best to just be witnessed: The Glare)
    • Johnny and Chaz and Greg - The Zabkabomb (Johnny sweeps the leg while Chaz does a flying elbow drop off a diving board while Greg rocket-lifts the table that the victim is then laying and writhing on post-leg sweep)
Advantage - Johnny and Chaz and Greg

  • Assumed Life Achievements
    • Ian and Max - After getting their girlfriends stolen, they devote their life to science and learning how to make renewable energy (to get laid). Ian graduates from MIT and co-founds Plum Computers with Phil Gates, while Max decides to reach a wider audience by becoming an actor in Hollywood. He indulges in the lavish lifestyle too much and eventually squanders his talent on coke binges. Has a mid-life career renaissance when he stars in a movie about the comic book hero Steel before Shaq could get the time off his NBA contract. And thank god for that.
    • Johnny and Chaz and Greg - All three of them are demoralized and realize that once they get out of school life isn't all fun and games. They decide to quit their bullying ways and form a 3-piece pop band with most of the funding coming from Chaz's parents. They release their first single (Mmmbop) but it only sold six copies (Johnny got Chaz and Greg one, Chaz got Greg and Johnny one, and Greg got Chaz and Johnny one). It would go on to mainstream chart mega-success when it was covered 7 years later by teenybopper tween group Hanson, but the three guys would never get any of those profits because of legal disputes. Johnny and Chaz enter a suicide pact and Greg goes on to make a pretty funny cameo in Hot Tub Time Machine.
Advantage - Ian and Max

          Heather Chandler (Heathers) 

Scut Farkus (A Christmas Story)

  • Strategic Advantage
    • Chandler - She is extremely cold and calculating, and had she not passed away so suddenly from Slaterdeath she may have very well continued to run the entire school with an iron fist. Once she got to college she would have met her match, but she still seemed to know how to operate. Walked the line of being a total biatch but having the whole town memorialize her when she died. Yeah, but then again, she did drink a whole glass of drain cleaner.
    • Farkus - Was smart (or dumb) enough to hire a little weasel to do his talking for him. It is pretty impressive that he built up the reputation that he did for being so not tough. This at least takes a modicum of strategic know-how. Dude needs to take a karate class though, for real.
Advantage - Farkus

  • Finishing Move
    • Chandler - The Gentle Chainsaw Fuck (use your imagination)
    • Farkus - The Uncle Armbreaker (grabs the wrist and forces the arm to be awkwardly twisted at the elbow behind the back, all the while screaming "Uncle!" in your ear at full volume)
Advantage - Chandler

  • Assumed Life Achievements
    • Chandler - She died, of course, so this would fall more under the title of "Assumed Post-Life Achievements". It is mentioned by Veronica that she became even more popular after she died, which leads me to believe she probably had some kind of Lifetime movie based on her. She would eventually have a milkshake at the town malt shop named in her honor and then slowly forgotten about after it is renamed after a new country artist who became popular from a neighboring high school.
    • Farkus - Didn't really look like the type to achieve any kind of noteworthy achievements. Most likely went to jail for 10 years on a burglary charge when he was 17 and then worked odd jobs for the rest of his life. He would go on to near fame when he was filmed on the side of the highway doing his famous high-pitched laugh and then auditioned for the deceased Heath Ledger role in the newest Christopher Nolan Batman movie but would choose to go to rehab instead.
Advantage - Chandler, because I love milkshakes

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